Developer Sassy Chap Games and publisher Team17’s upcoming quirky dating sim Date Everything! isn’t available just yet, and already, my TikTok “For You” page is full of streamers relishing the game’s demo. As I swipe, swaths of giggling content creators clamor over how hot the toaster is. And no, not in terms of temperature.
In Date Everything!, players must forge relationships — platonic, romantic, or toxic — with newly-anthropomorphized housewares called “dateables.” Your water heater is hotter than ever, the AC is cooler, and the food in your fridge has some added spice. But before you knock boots with your kitchen cabinets — and trust me, you should — let me set the scene.
The Basics
At the start of Date Everything!, players begin their first day as ubercapitalistic mega-conglomerate Valdivian’s newest hire. But as soon as onboarding processes and introductory pleasantries end, you’re informed by an insufferable coworker that AI is assuming your role and your contributions to the brand are no longer needed. The Valdivianites behind the shareholder-friendly gen AI are terminated, too. Hmm, sounds familiar…
As you lament your layoff and lay into your friend who managed to get you the gig, an unmarked package arrives via drone. Inside the box sits a cute pair of rose-colored glasses, which is pretty on-the-nose, literally and figuratively. Near simultaneously, your cell phone chimes with an alert from your (former) workplace’s messaging platform. You open your inbox to a mysterious message from anonymous user “tinfoilhat,” explaining that your new specs — dubbed “dateviators” — will let you get to know your belongings, y’know, biblically.
The personality behind the shades, Skylar Specs, springs to life. Her effervescent personality and vibrant aesthetic mirror the datevators’ sleek, sherbet hue. Once Skylar and Phoenicia (your phone) lead you through a simple tutorial, you’re left to your own devices (pun intended). Each in-game day begins in your bedroom, and you are able to interact with five entities ’til you have to head back upstairs and get some shut-eye. Once dawn arrives, you’re able to Directly Acknowledge a Thing’s Existence, or “D.A.T.E.”
As you network throughout your sandbox-style suburban abode, you hone your “SPECS” (Smarts, Poise, Empathy, Charm, and Sass), their development unlocking special dialogue options for some interactions.
Like dating sims often do, Date Everything! gives “speed dating” energy. With 100 options and only five interactions daily, however, it can get a little cumbersome to manage my pursuits as well as theirs. I’ve got a lot on my plate, and God only knows dishware daddy Daisuke can’t handle another ding. Thankfully, Phoenicia comes in clutch, her Roomers app automatically logging conversations and making connections. Despite some assistive tech, more involved interactions can overshadow others’ storylines.
When they say ‘everything,’ they mean it
Date Everything! offers 100 individual NPCs, each masterfully voiced by industry heavy-hitters. Ben Starr (Clair Obscur: Expedition 33) is every door, Neil Newbon (Baldur’s Gate 3) is your dryer, and Brennan Lee Mulligan (Dimension 20) is Parker Bradley, your board game collection.
All characters differ wildly, each one’s overall vibe bearing the charming, cartoonish influence of their original form. Virtually every aspect of your house is up for a chat, from standard amenities like your ceiling, aptly named Celia. The elegant, mature blonde quite literally oversees it all, so it only makes sense she’s Mayor and HOA prez. Still, she doesn’t sacrifice personality for functionality. Her ornate, ivory gown draws inspiration from your pad’s Victorian-inspired crown molding. Her confident but reassuring voice, provided by tenured performer Julia McIlvaine (Fire Emblem Engage, Final Fantasy XV), really ties it all together.
Don’t let the more obvious commodities keep you for themselves, or you’ll miss out on more abstract dateables like Memoria (personified nostalgia), Nightmare (exactly that), and Doug (existential dread). It’s OK to be nosy, too — it is your house, after all — so don’t be afraid to snoop through drawers, open closets, and nudge boxes of clutter. Open your nightstand drawer, and you’ll find Ben-hwa (seductively voiced by Ghost of Yotei and Mortal Kombat 1’s Erika Ishii).
These characters have their own interpersonal relationships, too. Keep tabs on goings-on by conversing with Maggie (the nosy magnifying glass) or picking up hints your “roommates” drop during conversations. The stackable washer and dryer have beef, and it’s about to be your problem. Does Tydus the detergent have any helpful hot goss? He’s the one stuck in the laundry room with ’em, after all.
In Date Everything!, representation matters
Thankfully, real-world expectations of heteronormativity has no place in a world where I can join my breaker box on a date to the speakeasy. Users choose their pronouns at the start, and the rest is whatever you want it to be. Dateables’ dialogue doesn’t lean on gender norms or tired tropes. The open-ended, fluid nature of interactions with dateables leaves room for the player to be who they’d like to be, too. You’re not expected to bed every object; players can pursue whoever they’d like, as gameplay doesn’t force romance where users don’t want any.
Dating’s tough enough, so thankfully, the UI is pretty straightforward. Phoenicia acts as your primary menu, all settings located on your in-game device’s display. Just like our actual, entirely inanimate smartphones, game settings, music, communications, and other features are apps situated on an easily navigable home screen.
The game allows players to skip sensitive content, but doing so doesn’t profoundly impact gameplay. Skylar slides in halfway through my interaction with the triangle, gently warning me that this character’s storyline contains some mature themes. Players then get the opportunity to skip such content or keep it in. Either way, no one’s left to feel othered or forced to miss any relationship-forging. Even interacting with the bar cart prompts players to order a drink, but whether alcohol is present is entirely up to you. Beverly is just happy to have a cute customer!
My Concerns
I did run into a few weird bugs throughout my 20-hour run. When checking my Date-a-Dex (think Pokedex for dateable objects), I couldn’t look through my list without “deep-fried” glitchy tones sounding. I tried to toggle through my collection of cuties, but the sudden shriek of “RIP headphone users”-like audio made it unbearable. I’m a completionist who prides themselves on “catching ’em all,” so not being able to refer to the Date-a-Dex at my leisure felt like I put on feature-specific blinders.
After trying to communicate with Dorian via my front door, I suddenly ended up outside the house, standing on the sidewalk. Suddenly, my game came to (what it thought was) a natural conclusion, summarizing my achievements after a drone dove in and took off with my special shades. At this point, I’d just started playing, so being suddenly thrust to the story’s end was a bit of a bummer. Additionally, some interactable objects materialized through the wall. After properly tidying one dateable, the feather duster I’d used remained suspended in mid-air, half visible via the hallway, the other half lodged within the wall paneling. My cursor appeared to recognize the object as interactable, but no amount of clicks or even sleeping made it disappear.
Like-minded achievement-hunters might feel neutered by the five-action day length. No skill development or plot happenings increase the number of daily actions you get, which slows already-leisurely gameplay. I burned daylight in just minutes and had to head back to bed, only to wake up and immediately blitz through my interaction allotment again.
I played using my Lenovo Legion Go, but had to manipulate graphics settings to eliminate some short-lived stuttering at the start of my first day with dateables. The storybook-like illustrations and text boxes were no issue, naturally.
The Verdict
Date Everything! is a smart, tongue-in-cheek hoot that, despite its innumerable characters, Easter eggs, entertaining dialogue, and subplots, is digestible and approachable for virtually all (mature) audiences. Even better? The game arrives halfway through Pride Month!
The entire game’s premise is silly, farfetched, and a little cringe at times, but then again, isn’t love? Those willing to suspend their disbelief long enough to date a door will enjoy this creative, goofy, and endearing sim. For a bunch of household decor, the dateables offer rich, emotional companionship and camaraderie. Brief bouts with bugs aside, Date Everything! is a freeing, flirtatious title that rewards audiences who allow themselves to lean into the absurd. Me? A homeowner?! Get real!
SCORE: 7/10
Follow us on MSN for more content you love.
Read more:
- Photos of Vintage Arcades We Wish Were Still Around
- Some GameStop customers eligible for settlement payment
A lifelong gamer raised on classic titles like Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, and Croc, Stephanie brings her expertise of gaming and pop culture to deliver unique, refreshing views on the world of video games, complete with references to absurd and obscure media.
Leave a Reply